live and let live

Fear in  relationships is always real. Fear of the unknown I’d say. Fear of uncertainties, stuff you just aren’t sure of, some which may not even exist. Seems like the biggest killer of these pairings. "He hasn’t called all day, I wonder what he is up to." "She hasn’t answered the phone all afternoon, I wonder why. I bet she would have some airtight excuse to give when I ask later." I beg your pardon, not excuse; I mean ‘reason’ hehe.

Sorry ladies J I know you were about to reach for my jugular just there. na reason I talk o, no be excuse eh

These fears begin to corrode the trust you had built and soon you begin to breed suspicion then mistrust creeps in and soon hate is real and you begin to wonder, like black eyed peas, “Where is the love?” Where has the love gone? I think it is still there, just hidden away from sight by the fear, suspicion and mistrust.

My thoughts are simple, in addition to being plain and open, telling your partner all that goes on and trying hard to make them a part of your day even when they are far away, we need to do more.

1)      Let us be appreciative of each other. "Why hasn’t he called all day?" "Why hasn’t she answered the phone all afternoon?" "Why doesn’t she call too?" If these bug you that much then simply appreciate next time she calls or the next time she answers the phone on the first ring. Do not take it for granted; make her know you appreciate it. Make her realise that it put a wider smile than usual across your hairy face. Make him know that that text which woke you from sleep brightened your entire day, even if all he could come up with was “good morning beautiful” (some dudes sha o smh. ehen did you spot the double ‘that’ in the sentence? gosh!!! I have been dying to do that) and vice versa o!! and eh if she sends you “good morning beautiful”, you bera reply bruv. I don tell you my own o toh! Don’t start arguing about how males are not beautiful but handsome. Just know that it will get clearer by and by #lipssealed#

We need to express more and a good place to start is showing appreciation. Don’t keep the happy all to yourself, let dude know he was able to make you smile; might have been all he set out to do that day. It is nothing to be shy about eh; make your partner know how he/she makes you feel. Some babes be forming hard to impress so much that dude starts wondering if Hitler owns a branch of her family tree hence nothing makes them laugh. Oh let us not talk about my sisters in the choir who are feeling the boi eh I mean the brother (hehe) but think it is sinful to tell him (talk for another day sha). I hope dude finds someone else who enjoys his jokes and is willing to make him know they do. Ah yes o and Vice versa too hehe.

mehn!!! I need to keep vice versa-ing before these babes think I am betraying them fa.

Nuff said there, on to the next.

2)      Kill the idea of stereotypes. I saw this on bbm the other day. It said something like

girls be crying after their tenth heart break “guys are all the same”. "Who sent you to date all of them since they are all the same?"

Girls, ‘em guys are not all the same. I think often times we make our partner become ‘the same’. We come into the relationship with expectations and preformed ideas of how guys ‘usually’ behave or how a typical Nigerian girl ‘usually’ acts and when they show up to be that way we gladly toss out hands in the air and say “eh I knew it na, you are all the same.”

You Lie!!! 

They are not all the same. In a lot of cases they end up the way you expected they would because you expected they would (I hope my English teacher isn’t reading any of this #facepalm#). Some dudes already start treating the girl like their ex because they think she is ‘just another one of them’. Truth is, she would gradually begin to fit into that mould and eventually become another one of them. This is why I have a bone to pick with relationship mentors who teach us that guys are always this way or that and ladies are always the one way or the other. They say you need to know about this basic make –up in order to cope with certain parts of your relationship blah blah blah.

It is not altogether false but still I know women who bathe and get dressed faster than their husbands just as I know too many guys who chatter more than some women ever could.

Pardon my endless rant please but hear this (preacher mode hehe); what you expect is what you attract. Don't believe me? You need to read 'The Secret' by Rhoda Byrne. Little wonder God says to us to come to Him with expectations in our hearts. It is those expectations that will be met. If you expect your man to be another Nigerian guy then that is what he will be and please don’t lie to yourself about those expectations, we all have them. Oh and vice versa o.

I say, come to the table with bare hands and be ready to ‘learn’ this person like you never had any experience before. Come with a fresh notebook and register for this course, not as one you are repeating or are already experienced at, but one you are offering for the first time ever. Give your partner a chance to be himself/herself and see him/her through a new lens, not the lens of your previous experiences or tutelage. Truth is; some might turn out to be the same as the others but you would be able to say in the end that, you gave it your best shot; you tried it out without fear or prejudice. Don’t come with hidden agenda or like some investigator, hoping to find out the bad or possible good before jumping in or gingerly stepping away. Yes, I am asking that you put yourself in a position to actually get hurt. That is what love does after all. If you love me then you are wide open for me to walk all over you unless I love you too. Look at Jesus eh, love guided him along the way he went and look where that landed him- naked and pinned to a cross with nails, spear holes in his side, whip lashes across his back, a crown of thorns on his head, vinegar for a drink and some silly folk dividing his clothes before he could even finish dying fa. Why?? Because he loves you and I; doesn’t make sense but he did it for love’s sake anyway.

Ohkay, no preaching today please, all I am saying is, kill the stereotypes and be willing to try again as though you never did before and while you are at it, be appreciative of the big things and the little ones alike. Do not be afraid to express exactly how you feel whenever you feel it. Best of luck and plenty of grace too, I have a feeling you will need it. Thank me later J

P.S.  no cross things o, Jesus paid it all.